EroticMonkey

EroticMonkey.ch

    All of us fellas got a damn monkey all up in our business. The aforesaid monkey is usually hairy, has a pointy nose that sometimes reaches to our knees, and rocks a pair of ballsy wonders that long to be smashed to the ground and fried in a skillet! Ain’t that right, fellas? Monkeys being hella mischievous, you can bet your sweet potatooie that the ones we are equipped with are always leading us into trouble and temptation and forever making us spend money on and promise the world to them ladies and thots, in return for their shaking hands with the monkey in us and sucking that critter halfway to Jupiter!

    Anyway, enough of speaking in riddles and parables. Here is my EroticMonkey.ch review. Y’all can read it and weep while slathering your monkeys in Vaseline and forcing it to fucking cum for its upkeep!

Do Well To Get That Erotic Monkey Off Your Back!

    Depending on where your booty calls home, you might not be able to access this escorts US site. Should you be denied access to EroticMonkey.ch, all you need to get in is write a letter to your local congressman and tell the greedy fucker to bend over, spread his ass cheeks, and let a perambulating Abrams MBT or Bradley IFV ram its cannon into his asshole and fire away! Just don’t mention my name when you do as I suggested and when the Secret Service comes knocking and wants to tie you up at the stake and peel the skin from your woody!

    Seriously though, in case access to EroticMonkey.ch is denied for some reason, just use a VPN or the Tor browser and you are good to go. Nothing is hard about the whole thing at all.

    Now, let’s talk about how the site looks. EroticMonkey.ch looks okay enough. The fact that there are escort profile thumbnails on the homepage makes this place immediately identifiable, though the site name should at least have given some clue.

    The site design is rather stark and like 90 percent of the color on the homepage is from the aforesaid escort profile thumbnails. If you are looking for a high-end and color-lush site, this is not it, with Erotic Monkey choosing to go the clean and minimalist route. I guess some might like that kind of thing, but not me. I love my sites full of color and detail, just like I love my girls full of juicy booty meat and bouncing tits that don’t need much persuasion to jingle and jangle all over the place!

Quit Monkeying Around, Cumrade!

    Erotic Monkey has a standard feature set. There’s no monkey business here!

    At the top left is the site logo and it is an image of a cute monkey, with the motto next to him saying “Never Spank the Monkey Again”. Just above this is the Safe Browsing option and clicking this on will sanitize the place by removing the images in the escort profile thumbnails on the homepage. That makes it possible to browse through a site like this on your work screen during office hours, with no one but an escort fucking pro being the wiser!

    Add an Escort, Latina Escort, Forum, Erotic Massage, Login, Cancellation, and Sign Up Here are the main tabs. There’s also an advanced search option beneath these tabs that makes it possible to sort through escort US by age, body type, ass type, boob cup size, height, tattoos, hair color, services rendered, and more. You can even look for escorts with a specific name, email, or phone number, as well as those that are within variable distance of your locale, with 5 to 50-mile searches being supported.

    Advanced search options like these are always welcome, but the sad thing is that too many escort sites do not see the need to get this kind of thing working on their site. For sure, the admins at such delinquent sites need a kick in the balls that’s gonna get an egg shot out of their prick hard and fast enough to create a wormhole or something!

    Anyway, membership here is free and it takes less than 20 seconds to sign up. The verification link they send to your email also arrives faster than your girl cums every time you send $10,000 to her account!

    Where was I? Oh, yes! Both the Latina Escort and Erotic Massage tabs are just direct ad links and as worthless as a well-baked fart bomb! The Forum option will however take you to the forum that Escort Monkey got running down in their basement. This forum is larger than I expected and busier than I figured. There are nearly 100K topics and almost 38K posts in play.

    However, you cannot make a full dive of the aforesaid forum without coughing up some moolah for a membership upgrade. $29.95 monthly and $140 for 6 months will get you unrestricted access to escort reviews, grant you the ability to privately message forum members, let you advertise your fucking services and cumming needs, post comments, rate escort reviews, and more.

    That sounds great, but I would rather eat a TNT sandwich, wash it down with a carafe of low-lead petrol and ask my vengeful ex for some matches, than pay for access to a public forum, cum escort site. And that’s on Mary had a little lamb and it wasn’t too long before I got the aforementioned Mary bleating like the proverbial sacrificial lamb, while she was doing her best to carry my balls in her hands and expand her gullet wide enough to give my cock a massage with her heart muscles! So long, bitch!

Take Free Cumming Lessons From An Erotic Monkey!

    I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but the US is the sole focus of this escort US place. It is a US-only escort place for real, boasting escorts and cum slurpers in just about every state and city. Them bitches got game too and there are a few who look horny enough to sit on your face for free and tell you to breathe your way to freedom through the slit they are so generously smothering you with!

    With this place being a US-only site, it is not that much of a surprise that the only supported language is English. Can’t speak it? Tough tit and hard monkey ass!

    If you are in the US, then a place like EroticMonkey.ch looks like what the doctor ordered. It at least makes a welcome change from scraping the innards of the local thots and MILFs. But even if you are outside the US, you can make arrangements with Erotic Monkey escorts to visit you and fuck a few years off your life expectancy! Of course, that’s not gonna be cheap. But what is money if not something to be spent and a means for bringing the marvelous cumming times into being!

Monkey Fine Sluts!

    Escorts are not an area that Erotic Monkey can be found lacking. There are 2,912 pages of escorts on this US escort site, with around 15 escort ads per page. Erotic Monkey says they have over 43K escorts and that seems right. But then what do I know of math when I can barely count more than ten pairs of balls!

    On the Erotic Monkey homepage, you get a list of US cities on the left, with the number of escorts in each being indicated. New York City leads the pack, with over 18K escorts in that den of iniquity. You can choose from any featured city, or dive into the advanced options and go find your missing rib. Just be comfortable with the fact that she has probably sucked a million cocks, has been fucked six ways to Sunday and ten ways to Golgotha, and has swallowed enough cum martinis to be peeing sperm for eternity! That doesn’t faze you? Then congratulations to you and your beloved!

    Are you in Chicago? Brianna Dymond calls that place home. She gives her age as 25-36, her boob size as 34 and says her cunt got a partial shave to it. This chick is not the prettiest and she comes heavily tattooed. But she does have a nice butt, a nice rack, and a smiling mouth that’s seen a lot of fillers and enraged penises! Brianna is not cheap though and is asking for a thousand smackeroos per hour, $1,700 for 2 hours and $2,500 for 3 hours. For the kind of money she’s asking for, this escort better be a high-ranking Cloud 9 admin, and even then I wouldn’t pay that kind of rate unless I was brain-damaged!

    Then there’s Nayeon. She’s an Asian escort with an age range of 18-24 who calls Los Angeles home. Nayeon is a petite beauty with D-cup tits, a slim build, and a definite eagerness to provide top service. Her rates start at $260, but based on the very poor quality of photos on her profile, I can say with like 80 percent certainty that she’s as fake as a 3-dollar bill found among the effects of the Abominable Snowman!

    And over in New York is Phoebe. She’s an ebony goddess in the 18-24 range with 34A cup titties. Phoebe is tattooed and skinny and the photos on her profile could have been taken with an iPhone 2! She charges $350, $475, and $575 for 15, 30, and 60 minutes respectively for incalls, with $325, $425, and $525 for 15, 30, and 60 minutes respectively being her outcall rates. This slut is also open to travel to your place, but you gotta cough up $5,750 for an overnight stay and pay for her transportation. With the rates this lass is charging, you should just wire your pecker to a light switch and have electrocuting orgasms all night for free!

    So, most of the escorts in this place have reviews. But like I previously mentioned, accessing these reviews requires your ponying up money for premium membership. Also, while the escort profiles here are detailed enough, they are not engaging or attractively designed and too many escort profiles have low-quality images that are a definite insult to any halfway decent set of eyeballs!

    Spam is present on Escort Monkey and the escort quality is just average. I have seen better-looking sluts in my neck of woods and they usually give it up for free, or for a hamburger!

What ThePornGuy Thinks of Erotic Monkey

    Well, this place only makes sense if you are prepared to pay for premium membership. Doing that will unlock escort reviews and the forum. But stuff like that is what other escort sites provide for free. So, being asked to fork over money each month for unfettered access to this place kind of feels like getting robbed!

    Got spare cash to waste and a hard cock you wanna choke an escort half to death with? Then this place is for you! Don’t wanna pay for anything? Then go elsewhere you can feed your erotic monkey with all the free banana slits and splits it wants!