XCafe

XCafe.com

    XCafe and Xmen sound like they came out of the same coffee cup! Oh, wait! Xmen is not X-rated at all, is it? It is not about some extraordinarily hung males doing the nasty with each other and their siblings, is it? Oh Lordy, I guess I must have been watching the wrong Xmen movie and I am gonna spend the next few weeks erasing some rather vivid scenes from my mind!

    Now, cafe or no cafe, XCafe is a porn site that might have been named after the place the owner lost his virginity and discovered how stinky and grabby the female snatch can be! Someone better book some therapy for the poor dude and it better include a face-sitting session or two by a therapist whose down below does not smell like a rat died in it!

    Here is my XCafe.com review. Read and learn and get to live happily ever after in the cumming world that is to cum!

Cafes And Full Cups of Hot Cum!

    Does anybody here know a cowboy? Like an authentic cowboy who can corral horses all day long, midwife the birth of a horse, and carve up a lamb while blindfolded. I need the services of a guy like that and I’m gonna want him to put his spurs-equipped boots as far as they can go up the booty of whoever did such an ass of a graphic design job over at XCafe.com!

    Don’t get me wrong. The design of this porn site follows the usual porn site format. The issue is the use of yellow and blue at the top and bottom of the homepage that looks about as welcoming as a coochie filled with shit that could only have come from a dysenteric rectum that hates itself and the fact that it’s such a shitty son of a holey bitch! A fan of the page color I certainly am not and the site owner better go for a redesign soonest, or I just might forget the whole cowboy thing and instead call up some fuckers I know to drop the site owner out of a light plane at 15,000 feet with a schoolbag for a parachute!

    Damn! Now I am in a bad mood. And it can only get worse. Remember that I said this porn site follows the standard XXX site format? Well, that is not exactly true. On most porn sites, the homepage is filled with thumbnails showcasing the many supported categories, or a selection of porn titles. Here, it is filled with titles, but the issue is that the thumbnails here are not of the same size and that creates a haphazard look that makes XCafe seem about as professional as a royal fuck up on a flagpole on a regimental day! Shit to the shit ton!

    Site features on this misbegotten abomination take the form of a basic search bar, plus login and sign-up tabs at the top left of the homepage, and over on the right are larger-than-life Porn Videos, Categories, Models, Channels, and Porn GIFS buttons. You can register for free, but they take their sweet time sending over the confirmation link you need to complete the registration process. The main appeal to registering is that you can comment on videos, add videos and GIFs to your favorite list, and come back to your collection anytime the spirit of meat beating comes around and takes you by the nuts!

    There are 4,383 pages of porn GIFS here and they can be rated, with the playback speed being adjustable. You can even watch them on full screen, but there’s no download button. One GIF titled I Know That You Like A Girl With A Big Cock was quite the wonder and the blonde bitch here did have the kind of massive boner I pray ThePornDude falls on and hurts himself on soonest!

    The Channels page on XCafe is surprisingly filled up and most of the channels there have a brief but well-written bio and that is something that too many porn sites do not take the trouble to do. Everything Butt, Nanny Spy, Her Limits, Bang My Teen Ass, Tushy, Monger In Asia, Flexy Teens, Trike Patrol, Brazzers, Sis Loves Me, Reality Kings, and lots more are on the channel page.

    And yeah, the Models page is chock-full of hotties. There are 294 pages of sluts there and you can rate them all you like. They can also be sorted alphabetically, by the number of videos, by video popularity, and by video rating. Unfortunately, the pornstars here do not have detailed pages, with bios and shit, but that would have been expecting too much.

    Beautiful Girl, Japanese, Russian, Skirt, Cuckold, Lesbian, Ladyboy, Cowgirl, Natural, and Exotic are just a few of the hundred-plus categories in the Category page. As for the Porn Videos button, this has a pull-down menu that enables easy and direct access to recommended, newest, most top-rated videos and that’s not bad like a cock-stuffed slag with a rag in her bag and a mag under her fab butt!

The Truth In HD

    XCafe.com is all about porn in HD. Sure, full HD smut makes a lot more sense, but it can be quite hard on your data balance. Plus you don’t need to watch stuff in full HD to understand what’s going on and why this or that chick is mewling like a kitten, while the fella behind her appears attached to her bunghole with a spear of a cock of determined excellence and stomach-churning velocity!

    Now, the smut here have runtimes that are usually under 10 minutes. Here’s a selection of some new titles- Petite White Sister and Her First Experience With BBC Brother, Black Thicc Milf Wants Some, Thicc Blonde Teen Takes Cock In All Holes, and Beautiful Model Babe Blacked By Horny Photographer. The latter had a 12:30-minute runtime. It is from Blacked and so well done that I first thought I was watching an ad. And yeah, the video is all about what happens when a beautiful and horny blonde meets a black dude who happens to have a BBC he loves to do bow-legged magic with!

    Sexy Babe With Nice Ass Takes Her Time To Enjoy Hardcore Anal Sex was in the top-rated category and I decided to have a peek at it. It features a chick called Rosy Lips and yeah, her cunt had sweet lips! This video was under 7 minutes long and involved oral, and enough asshole gaping with outsize cocks to promote the sales of lube and tissue paper on three continents! Rosy was a champ who could take on the best woodies and win and her small tits proved advantageous in that they were not large enough to dangle with abandon and distract from the massive, merciless, and murderous pounding that her asshole was getting!

    Anyway, there are apparently over 146K videos on XCafe and videos come with variable quality that’s user-adjustable. HD, 480p, and 240p can be toggled on and off as per your need and there’s a download button that enables speedy and free downloads at different qualities. Videos load fast too and play effortlessly, with no download issues witnessed at the time of this review.

    However, there are no dates to be seen anywhere and this makes guessing the content update pace a hard task. That can however be made easier by taking a look at the dates on the comments made on any video.

What ThePornGuy Thinks of XCafe

    XCafe is a prime example of why you should never judge on looks alone. Despite its looking like a dumpster fire, this porn site still heavily impresses and it gets two solid thumbs up from me.