~ Pros ~
Tons of content
Very engaging homepage design
~ Cons ~
❌ Download options don’t work
❌ Absolutely lackluster site options
There are probably more online magazines out there than all the hairs your asshole ever bravely grew. These magazines cover all conceivable topics and are given all kinds of names, some shocking enough to make your granny mad enough to fire off a red-hot letter to the local bishop, and others disgusting enough to trigger your projectile vomit sensor from now till the new year!
What’s your favorite online magazine? I won’t tell you mine, but I am still gonna introduce y’all to a porn search engine that kind of masquerades as an online magazine. NoodleMagazine is the site in question and here is my NoodleMagazine.com review all ye heavenly fuckers and saintly wankers!
Horse Dick Owners Love Their Noodles!
Anyway you look at it, there’s no denying that NoodleMagazine.com is a hella strange name for a porn search engine. I would be more understanding if they called it NoodleDick.com or NoodleFuck.com. Like exactly what is the fella who hears about NoodleMagazine.com expected to think the site is all about? Well, let’s leave the confusing site name for now and focus on the review y’all came here for.
Now, NoodleMagazine has a rock-solid design. It looks high end and the homepage has this background image of what looks like 3D shapes endlessly wheeling and turning. Stumble across the NoodleMagazine homepage by mistake and the 3D shapes you see here will make you think that this is either a scientific website, or a website that was created by a fella who lost his virginity to a Rubik Cube, or his asshole cherry to a wooden triangle!
And you know what, you can use your mouse cursor to drag varied ends of the moving shapes on the screen from place to place. That’s gonna make you feel like a kind of creator, in a universe of your making no less.
So, the NoodleMagazine.com homepage is dominated by a single feature and that is the search bar. This is positioned halfway down the page and rather than being packed with advanced features and that kind of stuff, it is instead a basic motherfucker that wishes it came in its grandpa’s butt! The search bar spans almost the entire width of the homepage and doesn’t even have predictive functions, with that coming later once you have used the site at least once and that’s kinda strange.
I Still Need A Noodle Fuck Served Hot And Spicy!
NoodleMagazine.com is a porn search engine, right? Well, to get it working, you don’t need to strip and dance the fandango in a freezing graveyard with a freshly dug-up corpse that smells like the shit you marinate in your ass for nearly a week before rocketing it out! All you gotta do is let the search bar do its job.
To see what the search bar and NoodleMagazine could do, I typed Mia Khalifa into the search bar. In a fraction of a second, I was looking at a page filled with all the porn videos of that cum and cock-loving chick who could be the greatest slut in the history of this galaxy, with peerless BBC twirling skills no less! Near the bottom of this new page were what looked like recent and popular search terms like Fuck Black, Eastern European, Udders, and Close Up Pussy, plus a Show More button that when clicked loads new stuff on the page. There’s also a filter option at the top right of this new page that allows content sorting by quality, duration, relevance, and date added.
And oh, I forgot to mention that there’s another search bar at the top of this new page, with predictive features enabled right out of the gate. To test it to the fullest, I erased the Mia Khalifa query and entered Harley Dean in her stead. I thankfully got a page filled with videos featuring this hotter-than-lava ebony temptress who has a booty that Solomon was recorded in the bible happily giving up all his kingdom for! Or was that David?
I watched one of Harley’s videos which was titled Harley Dean Can’t Get Enough Good Dick. This BangBros production had a runtime of 30 minutes and tries to convince you that even the biggest and sharpest horse dick can never completely meet the needs of a bitch who has a fertile but bottomless canyon for a vagina! Run from chicks with that kind of equipment, or you will be popping Viagra like candy trying to keep up with their pussy-hammering needs and cock-fucking hunger!
The video began with Harley, a guy, and his girl seated at a table, drinking wine and talking shop. Harley soon grew handsy and started fondling the guy under the table, before crawling under the table, unzipping his jeans, and pouring his schlong down her gullet. From there they moved to a proper bedroom where she gave him a proper BJ. He ate her cunt, slipped that horse dick of his into her ultra-prime snatch and began fucking her anyhow he could, the lucky goat!
Well, it turns out that the search feature in both search bars that this site is equipped can be set to look for both pornstars and XXX categories. I tested that by inputting Ebony Teen into the search bar, followed by Mature Hot MILF, Skinny Anal, and BBC Gangbang. All brought back good search results, but a majority of the titles on this site are either not in English, or must have been written in English by a brain-dead caterpillar with locomotive problems and a mountain of debt!
Videos on NoodleMagazine.com typically max out at HD and playback options lets you adjust both the quality and speed. There’s even a direct download option. But it did not appear to be in working order at the time of this review and that’s some disappointing bullshit. Also, there are no dates in view anywhere and that makes guessing the content update frequency harder than begging the local mother superior for a public blowjob and anal fingering!
What I Think of NoodleMagazine
Well, the site design, name, and operating philosophy are kinda unusual, but worth checking out. So, feel free to bookmark this noodle dick of a site and come tell me all about the goodies you saw Santa packing in his junk!